Husbands, Wives and the "S" Word
Ephesians 5:15-33; Psalm 40:1-11

This month during our teaching time we're looking at Christian marriage and family relationships. Last week I tried to take a broad view of the basic principles of Christian marriage. I talked about the most important Christian teaching about Marriage which Jesus teaches in Matthew 19 -- that husband and wife are "one flesh." What I said that meant was that, in God's eyes, a man and a woman become a single organism. They are no longer two, but one. So they work together for the whole -- they must not be parasites, feeding on each other, but members of one organism helping each other. And dividing them is death to the organism -- that is why God hates divorce. (cf. Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19 and last weeks sermon)

This week I want to take another look at the organism of marriage, but this time we'll use a microscope to look at each individual part. What part do a man and a woman play? Obviously they have many of the same functions, but are their roles identical? That would seem rather strange in the biological world. Any organism that is at all complicated is characterized by specialization. Each part is important, each part is essential, but each part also has a particular role to play.

So today I want to address husbands and wives separately. My topic is "Husbands, wives and the 'S' word." When I told a few people yesterday what the title would be I got some interesting suggestions for what the "S" word might be. And it is quite revealing. The adults, all too predictably thought it was probably sex. Shows what's on their minds! My son Stephen had a more interesting suggestion. He thought I should talk about husbands, wives and Sammy Sosa. Which shows what's on his mind! I am not going to talk about either sex or Sammy Sosa. What I am going to address are two rather more unpopular "S" words, submission and sacrifice.

[Read Ephesians 5: 15-33]

Ok, let's just be honest. This is not a very popular passage. For feminists it is another case of the patriarchal and misogynist hegemony of established religion which must be subverted. And 90's men don't like it much either. They certainly don't want the responsibility and guilt of being submitted to! Even those who take scripture seriously and sincerely want to follow its guidance don't have an easy time with this passage.

Nobody likes the word submission. And for a very good reason. Submission means placing yourself under someone else's authority. To submit means to give over control of your life to someone else. And none of us like to do this. We are rebels by nature. We hate to be told what to do.

So at one level our negative reaction to the whole idea of submission has nothing to do with marriage and everything to do with sin. Our most basic spiritual problem is that God wants to have our hearts and lives submitted to him, and we don't want to give them to him. He wants us to give ourselves willingly to him -- to say, take me, live in me, I'm yours. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. Here I am, I desire to do your will O God. We have just been singing "On Bended knee I come, with a humble heart I come, bowing down before your holy throne," and "Humble Thyself in the sight of the Lord." With our voices we have been declaring our desire to submit ourselves to God. And all of our worship is an acting out of our submission to God. But God wants more than our words and our rituals. "Sacrifice and offerings you did not desire," says Psalm 40, "but my ears you have pierced." In other words, God doesn't want ritual, he wants servants -- people who will not just bow their bodies before him in a temple or in a church service, but will bow their lives before him and say "I desire to do your will, O my God, your law is within my heart." (Ps. 40:8)

Ah -- but that is God. And God has a right to submission. After all, he created me. I can handle submission to God. God is good. God is perfect. God is trustworthy. Besides, he's bigger than me. It makes sense to submit to God, even if it's hard to do. But submit to other human beings? That is pure foolishness. I can't trust other human beings. They are no better than me. No human being deserves my submission. Why should God ask me to submit to mere creatures?

But God calls every one of us to submission. Every one of us has to submit to someone else. Employers, government officials, the law, your superior officer, the building inspector, your parents. Submission is simply part of life. You don't really have a choice -- the only choice is whether you will do it willingly or unwillingly. Everyone has to submit, and God tells us to do so willingly.

Why?

God calls you to submit to other human beings as a rehearsal for your submission to Him. Our human relationships are a training ground where we learn to give up control. You see its easy to imagine that you have a submissive heart before God -- after all, you can't see him and it's easy to tune him out. But submission to another human being -- that is more difficult. That really brings out the rebellion in us. And that, I think is one of the main reasons that God tells us to submit to employers, and to submit to governments and to submit to laws. When wives submit to their husbands, or workers submit to their employers, or citizens submit to their governments we are really submitting to God. That is why our text says, "Wives submit to your husbands, as to the Lord." Not because your husband is God-like. Heavens no! It's because he wants you to see through your husband to God. By practicing submission on the human level we are developing hearts that are willing to give up control. You don't submit because the person you are submitting to is better than you -- with many husbands and bosses and governors and presidents it is clear that they are NOT better than you. It is not because they are worthy of your submission that God calls you to submit -- it is because God is worthy of your submission.

So submission is for everyone, and all submission is a practice run for our submission to God. Fair enough. But the Ephesians passage we just read isn't directed at everyone -- it singles out wives and tells wives specifically to submit to their husbands. What does this mean?

Let me tell a story that I think will illustrate what submission means in marriage:

I got a driver's licence the summer after my first year in College. I had spent the summer living with my Aunt and Uncle and digging ditches in Texas. At the end of the summer my Aunt took me for my driver's test and I squeaked by. I passed by one point.

One week later I was behind the wheel on an Interstate Highway heading for Chicago. I was travelling with two buddies, Barry and Tim. The car was Tim's and we were pulling a trailer that had all of Tim and Barry's worldly goods in it. Naturally they wanted me to share the driving, so about 10 p.m. we stopped and I got in the driver's seat.

All was well for a few minutes -- until I had to pass my first tractor trailer. As I was passing I looked over, and the truck seemed awfully close -- so I veered left. Then the guard rail seemed to be approaching quickly, so I veered right. Soon I was doing the giant slalom with a Volvo station wagon.

Well, obviously we survived -- but it was a very close call, and we were all badly shaken. I pulled over at the next rest area to recover. And of course, my friends never let me behind the wheel again, right? Wrong. I had nearly killed those guys, yet they made me get back behind the wheel. They were rather wide-eyed and didn't get much sleep that night, but they insisted that I drive.

Think about it -- every time you get into a car and let someone else drive, you are submitting yourself to them. You are giving them control of your direction and your very life. Barry and Tim were submitting themselves to me that night. They placed their lives, Tim's car, and all their earthly belongings in my shaking and inexperienced hands. It was not that I was a better driver. It was not that I was worthy. No, I had nearly killed them. And it was not because I demanded it. Yet it was a great gift to me because it demonstrated their trust and their love for me.

There are three things about submission I learn from this example:

1. Submission means willingly giving up control.
When a wife submits to her husband she is putting herself in his hands and saying -- you drive. I may be nervous, and you may very well kill us both -- and you are certainly not a better driver than I am -- but I will demonstrate my love for you and my trust for God by trusting you.

That is a hard thing to do. Those of you who have been in the passenger seat next to a very bad driver know how hard it is! And if you don't trust God with your whole life you will NOT be able to do it. Submission will be impossible for a woman who does not believe that God will care for her and protect her. If you doubt God, you will certainly not be able to trust your husband. But if you really trust God, then you can trust God to care for you even with a bad driver. So the root problem any of us have with submission is unwillingness to put ourselves in the hands of God.

2. Submission is a demonstration of strength, not weakness.
It really took courage for those guys to let me drive. And it takes far more courage and strength of character to give up control willingly to another. The easiest thing in the world would have been for Tim to say, sorry buddy, you had your chance -- you just go to sleep in the back seat and leave the driving to us. Submission takes strength.

3. Submission must be a freely offered gift.
It is a gift first to God, and then to the person that we submit to. If the gift is forced, it is no longer a gift. Imagine if I had pulled out a baseball bat and said to Tim and Barry, you will let me drive. It is my right. Submit to me. How would they have felt? It would have ruined the whole story, and I might be preaching right now in a Texas State Penitentiary.

Husbands -- you have no business demanding submission from your wives. It is a gift for her to give or to withold. Don't ruin the gift by demanding it. Submission is not an easy thing, and you have NO business making it harder. It is between your wife and God.

Your responsibility is completely independent of whether your wife gives you the gift of submission.

And that brings me to the second "S" word -- sacrifice -- which is directed at husbands. The calling of the husband is to sacrifice yourself wholly and completely -- to lay down your life for your wife. (See 5:25-26).

Men, we are to love our wifes "as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her." How did Christ love the church? Did he demand that she cook and clean for him? Did he tell her it was her duty to stay home with the kids? Did he demand her submission? Did he exalt himself over her? Did he use her for his pleasure? Did he expect anything of her?

NO -- Jesus loved the church by dying for her. Christ's headship over the church was symbolized by a crown of thorns. And the only crown that God gives to husbands in marriage is a crown of thorns. There is NO other kind of headship in marriage. The only headship a husband is entitled to by God is a headship of suffering. If you think that headship means ruling or dominating or having things your way, then you are disgracing the name of Christ and serving the devil. The leadership of Herod or Caesar is a leadership of domination; the headship of Christ is a headship of servanthood and suffering.

What does it mean in practical terms for a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church?

1. It means, first of all, that you are her servant.

Mark 10: 42-45 And Jesus called them to him and said to them, "You know that those who are supposed to rule over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.
For the Son of man also came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

You are to imitate Christ by being the chief servant in your home. Your leadership is a leadership of changing diapers, doing dishes, scrubbing toilets or doing whatever you can to serve your wife willingly and joyfully.

2. Second it means willingness to suffer for your wife

If anyone suffers in your marriage, it should first be the husband. When Jesus came to us he put aside every right and every power and he endured suffering in order to minister to us. Husbands are likewise called to put aside every "right" and every comfort in order to serve your wife.

That means to continue to give when you receive nothing back. It means to continue to love even if she rejects you. It means to forgive even when she does not seek forgiveness. It means to be faithful even if your wife is unfaithful.

Jesus did all of this for us. We were unworthy and he loved us. We are unfaithful yet he continues to love us. We did not seek forgiveness and he forgave us.

In practical terms -- if you really love your wife, you will almost certainly suffer in your career. You will have to give up other relationships and hobbies that hinder you from serving her. Tragically and perversely it is often the other way around -- the wife suffers for the sake of the husband. So the wife does the submitting AND the serving AND the suffering -- while the husband plays the couch potato, watching football with his buddies. No wonder so many women think marriage is a bad deal!

3. Finally, loving your wives as Christ loved the church means ALWAYS putting her interests before your own.

Verse 25 again: Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her -- for what purpose? -- to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water throught the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. IN THIS SAME WAY, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.

Husbands you have a God-given responsibility for promoting the spiritual and physical well-being of your wives. Let me repeat what I said last week: My calling as a husband is not gratification but glorification -- my job is to prepare my wife for glory -- for her eternal destiny. I have a sacred duty to do everything I can to stirher up to faith and obedience; to warn her against sin and tempation; To turn her attention to eternal things.


Husbands, if your headship is like the headship of Christ, you will make it much easier for your wife to honor God in submission. If she has trouble with the idea of submission, you are probably to blame. What will she have to fear from submission if your only concern is serve her, to suffer for her and to put her interests above your own in everything?


I offer three concluding challenges:

1. For husbands -- Every day this week I want you to find some way to serve your wife in a way that will cost you something. Practice leading by sacrifice.
   
   
2. For wives -- Consider the ways in which you may be seeking to hold onto control in your marriage -- trying to grab the wheel of the car. It may be in decision making about kids, it may be in financial matters. Then spend time giving those things over to God and trusting him with them. Only if you trust God will you be able to understand and accept God's call to submission.
   
   
3. For everyone -- husbands, wives, and singles and kids -- Ask God to give you a heart of submission. Think about the human relationships in which you are called to submit, and ask God to use those relationships to tame your rebellious heart and to help you to submit to him.
   
   

The bottom line is how we respond to God. Remember Jesus invitation in Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you [that is, submit to me] and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.