The Perfect Wife?
Proverbs 31:10-31

Over the past few weeks we've been on a tour of Proverbs. And I hope you have found, as I have, that Proverbs is an immensely practical book. The book sets out to give us instructions on how to make it through the minefield of life without getting blown up. So we've dealt with money issues, with issues related to sex and drugs, with the problems of anger and communication, with the challenge of living a life of honesty and integrity. All areas where we can use practical advice on how to live. Today we will finish with the book of Proverbs, and we come to the end, to what we might call the Conclusion, or epilogue. And it would be natural to expect some sort of summing up, some sort of bringing together of the themes of Proverbs, or perhaps a final appeal to make wisdom the center of our lives. What do we find? Turn with me to the end of Proverbs, to chapter 31, beginning with verse 10.

1. Why this passage bothers me [Carol]

No one can find this woman! The passage makes that clear right at the beginning. This perfect woman makes me feel like a failure. I don't have to look very far in this passage to conclude that I just don't measure up. This picture of the perfect wife also makes me distance myself and justify my own failures.

The problems start right at the beginning. Why does this woman have to be married? I know many godly women who are single. Right away we seem to have excluded a good part of our congregation.

The passage says that she brings good not harm to her husband. I've failed. I can't go any further, because I know that Dan has suffered because of my sin.

Next we meet her industrious and creative side. She works with her hands. She is skilled, and she manages the whole production process. She selects raw materials, spins the wool, makes the cloth, sews the clothes and bedspreads -- and she has enough time and material left over for a business of selling sashes to merchants. I guess it isn't quite good enough to save the 25 percent off coupons for Bed Bath and Beyond.

"She brings food from afar." This implies that she gets good food from the source at a good price. It's hard enough to get the sale items each week from three major grocery chains. This woman goes to the farmer.

With all of this productivity, this woman gets up early. For those who aren't morning risers, this is guilt producing. BUT she also stays up late! So now we have an inkling into her success: She has a high metabolism rate and doesn't need much sleep.

The real glimmer of hope comes in verse 15, where we read that she has servants. That explains it and finally gets me off the hook. This is a woman of position. There are others who contribute to her success. I would look better with house help too. She's also financially independent. She doesn't come to the end of the month and have to decide which bills to pay! We all know we'd be closer to this picture with more money, right?

Servants and money going for her, she's still remarkable and unreachable. She has time for the needs of others, and the others are the poor and needy. It is rare for a woman of position to let poverty get close to her. It might upset her comfort.

And if none of this puts her out of reach, one final character trait does: She is anxiety free. How can this be? Even the rich and powerful worry -- they have the most to lose in hard times. How many of us can say that we laugh at the future?

This woman's children and husband certainly SHOULD rise up and praise her! A wife of noble character, who can find? She is clearly beyond my reach!

2. Another way of looking at the Proverbs 31 [Dan]

I have to agree with Carol. I am terribly relieved that there is no Proverbs 32 describing the perfect husband.

So why does Proverbs end in this way? The whole book of Proverbs has been practical, giving us realistic instructions about real-life problems -- money problems, communication problems, anger problems, addiction problems. Then the book wraps up with this idealistic picture of the perfect wife that does not seem at all practical.

To prove just how impractical Proverbs 31 is, all I have to do is imagine using this passage in premarital counseling. Imagine an eager young couple, excited and in love, coming into my office. And I say, "The first thing I want to do is to make sure that you both understand the biblical standard for marriage, so I'd like you to read Proverbs 31 and I'd like you Glenys to decide whether you are really this kind of woman, and I'd like you, Harold, to decide whether Glenys really has what it takes to be a godly wife. " It might be a way to get out of performing weddings. In real marriage counseling, we do just the opposite. We stress bearing with one another's weaknesses, not expecting to change the other person. Not holding your spouse up to some sort of ideal, and certainly not expecting to be perfect yourself.

If we look at this passage primarily as a blueprint for the wife's role in a marriage it has to be one of the most discouraging and impractical passages in the Bible.

There is another way of reading this passage. We have met the wife of noble character before in Proverbs. In chapters 1:20-33 we met her calling aloud in the street, imploring the foolish to come and listen to her. We met her again in chapter 8, and again at the beginning of chapter 9: "Wisdom has built her house; she has hewn out its seven pillars. She has prepared her meat and mixed her wine; she has also set her table. She has sent out her maids, and she calls from the highest point in the city. 'Let all who are simple, come in here!' she says to those who lack judgment. 'Come, eat my food and drink the wine I have mixed. Leave your simple ways and you will live; walk in the way of understanding.'" The Proverbs 31 woman is the same woman as in Proverbs 1 and Proverbs 8 and 9. She is wisdom personified.

Proverbs 31 is appealing to us to make wisdom our life-long companion. To be married to wisdom. To be committed to her. To have a covenant relationship with her. You see throughout Proverbs a rivalry has been going on: Two women, wisdom and folly, vying for our allegiance -- seeking our attention. Folly is alluring, attractive, charming, promising easy quick pleasure. Wisdom does not have the outward glitter. She is honest, practical, and promises only hard work. She'll tell you to go to bed on time, not to eat that extra piece of cake, not to waste your money on trinkets, not to be lazy. The choice is between the good, strong, loving spouse who cares about our long-term good and the glitzy, attractive prostitute who promises only a moments pleasure. Proverbs 31 brings the rivalry between these two to an end, making one final call to commit ourselves to a life-long, marriage-like relationship with wisdom.

And when we look at Proverbs 31 this way, puzzle pieces start to snap into place. Look at how the passage begins:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. What have we been told over and over again in Proverbs is more valuable that gold or precious stones, more to be desired than diamonds or rubies? Wisdom!

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good and not harm all the days of her life. Can this be said of any human spouse? Of course not! But it is true of wisdom.

And on and on through this passage we read of the benefits that wisdom brings to those who will commit themselves to her. Their physical needs will be met, because wisdom leads to diligence and diligence to prosperity: She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

Wisdom brings clarity and decisiveness and to business decisions: She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously.

As we saw last week, wisdom leads to generosity and justice. Wisdom opens our eyes and our hearts to the needy: She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

Proverbs 31 gives us a catalog of the benefits of wisdom. Having wisdom as my closest companion leads to prosperity, frees me from anxiety, brings respect, and leads to harmonious family relationships. No human companion, no human spouse, man or woman, can offer all of this. Wisdom can and does.

And when we see Proverbs 31 in this way, it suddenly becomes much more relevant to all of us. No longer is it a guilt trip that men push on women. Now it is a positive invitation to all of us -- women, men, marrieds, singles, and children -- to embrace wisdom, to make wisdom our closest companion, to let her run our households, handle our money, guide our business decisions, move us to generosity and govern our relationships. And not only does Proverbs 31 become more relevant, it also becomes more practical.

3. The practical relevance of Proverbs 31: A heart that fears the Lord. [Carol]

Thank you! Now I'm free to look beyond specific activities to the root from which they come. This passage gives us a picture of wisdom personified. Wisdom is calling out to me, and I want to follow wisdom. Where do I start? Well, the theme verse of Proverbs is Proverbs 9:10: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 31 gives us the results of a heart the fears the Lord -- the results of wisdom lived out. Proverbs 31:30 tells us that this woman fears the Lord. To fear the Lord is to know my God intimately and to let that knowledge affect who I am and what I do.

How does fear of the Lord show itself? By being a morning person? By going to the farmer for food? We need to dig deeper to uncover the character qualities which spring from the fear of the Lord. There are many character traits here. Let's look at three:

Security. Because this woman fears the Lord and knows her God she is secure. Where does that show? She can laugh at the days to come! She smiles at the future because she knows who holds the future. She is secure so she can be generous with the poor and needy. She knows her God as Jehovah Jirah, and her generosity springs from that. She has no fear for her household -- not because of her good sewing, but because she fears the Lord and knows that He is in control of all things. The first fruit of her fear of the Lord is security.

Faithfulness. Because this woman fears the Lord and knows her God, she is faithful. There are many pictures here of her faithfulness in diligent, eager work. She is also faithful in relationships. She is faithful in caring for those in her world: her husband, her family, her servants, her neighbors, the poor and needy. She knows God's unfailing love, compassion, graciousness and faithfulness, and because she knows her God, this woman is faithful!

Purposefulness. Because this woman knows her God, she is purposeful. Her purposefulness is again reflected in her work and in her relationships. She demonstrates self-discipline. She sets about her work vigorously, with strong arms. She considers a field and she buys it. Is this for personal gain? No! By investing purposefully, she is in a position to care for the needs of others -- her family, her servants and her neighbors.

It is not the particular behaviors that we should be seeking from this passage -- it is the fruit of wisdom which we should desire. To have hearts that seek wisdom, hearts that fear the Lord, will produce security, faithfulness and purpose in our lives. It is the heart that matters.

4. The practical relevance Proverbs 31: Substance versus superficiality. [Dan]

Let me suggest another way of thinking about this business of getting at the heart. I want you to think with me for a minute about masks. I brought a mask with me. It wouldn't really matter what kind of mask I had here, though, because the purpose of just about any mask is quite simple: To hide the real person. Masks are made to deceive. Wearing this mask I could very well be making awful faces at you and you would never know it.

Now there's a sense in which we, as human beings, are constantly putting on masks. I have whole collection of masks that I use to disguise from people on the outside what is really going on inside. So I'm walking along, thinking very gloomy, Eeyorish thoughts, but I see one of you coming down the sidewalk, so I quickly whip out my happy, everything's great, isn't it a nice day mask. And sometimes this isn't bad. Sometimes masks are quite useful to reduce the damage my sin might do to you. I often need to mask my anger.

But the problem that we are easily taken in. We mistake the masks for reality. You might think of this world we live in as one great costume party. To be wise we have to look past the masks to reality. We have to judge not by the outward appearance of things or people, but by what lies behind the mask. And this is where Proverbs 31 finally takes us in verse 30. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. In other words, look past the mask. Value character above cosmetics. Value substance over superficiality.

Now I see two applications for this, one quite obvious and specific, the and the other more general. The specific application is obvious from the verse -- don't judge people by their exterior. The exterior is not important, and will not last. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting. What matters is the heart. Now this has universal application for how we relate to people, but there are certain cases where it is more of a problem than others, and I'm thinking particularly of how men relate to women. It's also a problem for women relate to men, but in my experience, men are rather less perceptive and more likely to be taken in by outward appearance than women.

If you doubt me, ask an advertiser. Advertisers know our weaknesses. And they know that we are easily taken in by an attractive exteriors -- the beautiful face. The attractive body. But we do a terrible disservice to our wives and daughters and sisters in Christ when we place greater value on outward appearance than inner beauty and Christ-likeness. Appearance is just a mask -- a mask that will fade and fall away. And what will be left when that mask is taken away: Either a person of immense spiritual beauty or a person of terrible spiritual ugliness. The heart that is revealed will have absolutely no relationship to the outward appearance that we place so much value in here. With our daughters, our sisters and our wives we need to constantly looking through the masks and praising and valuing that which is truly valuable so as to free them up from the terribly destructive cult of physical beauty that our culture has bought into. Value character, not cosmetics.

[Also, how we relate to the elderly, or to people who are simply different in appearance]
So the specific application is: Don't judge people by outward appearance. Value what matters.

There's also a more general application. In every area of our lives, folly masks itself in a charming and beautiful exterior. Every moment of my life I am faced with the conflicting calls of wisdom and folly. It will be much more attractive to me to sleep late tomorrow -- don't I deserve it? -- and to spend the day lazing around drinking tea, reading a novel, than to repair my storm windows, clean my gutters and get my leaves taken care of.
Sin and folly wear attractive masks. Satisfying lust always seems more appealing at the moment than self-control. Counting my money always seems more attractive than giving it away. The casual lie always feels like the easier route than hard honesty.

But Proverbs from beginning to end has been warning us not to take the easy route. Not to be taken in by the superficial attractiveness of sin.


So it turns out that there is nothing strange about this conclusion to Proverbs -- it is a great conclusion, because it brings together the themes of the book in one last appeal to embrace wisdom in every area of life. Wisdom has been calling out to us throughout the book of Proverbs -- seek me, follow me, let me bring blessing into your life. Proverbs 31 is her final appeal to see through the glitzy attractiveness of the prostitute folly and to commit to a life-long covenant relationship with wisdom. It is an appeal to let wisdom into every area of your life.

Does this appeal sound familiar to you? It should. Wisdom has another name in the Bible: Jesus, the wisdom of God and the power of God. Living wisely is just another way of saying, living like Jesus. An invitation to wisdom is an invitation to Christlikeness.