From: God
Subject: Consumer Satisfaction Survey
Ref: Sermon of May 28, 2000
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: Your responses will be kept completely confidential. You need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?
   ___ National Enquirer
   ___ National Public Radio
   ___ Dead Sea Scrolls
   ___ Near Death Experience
   ___ Dheepak Chopra
   ___ Qur'an
   ___ Bible
   ___ Burning Shrubbery
   

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2. Which model Deity did you acquire? Please give name and place of acquisition: ___________
   
   
3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no missing attributes?
   
   

___ yes
___ no

If no, please describe any problems you encountered

1. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply:
   
   

___ parents
___ needed a reason to live
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Fear of death
___ Like organ music
___ My shrubbery caught fire

1. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration other than God? Please check all that apply:
   
   

___ Tarot
___ Astrology
___ Palmistry
___ Tea Leaves
___ Dianetics
___ Fortune Cookies
___ Psychic Friends Network ___ Self-help books
___ TV Evangelists
___ AOL Chat rooms

1. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and faith. Would you prefer:
   
   

(circle one)
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know -- What is divine intervention?

1. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
   
   

(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)
Disasters:
____ floods
____ famines
____ earthquakes
____ wars
____ AOL
____ U.S. Congress

Miracles:
___ rescues
___ spontaneous remissions
___ crying statues
___ VCRs that set their own clocks

1. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5:
   
   

___ God's Courtesy
___ Are your spiritual needs being met

1. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? Attach additional sheets as necessary.